JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
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My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
new career option?
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
🤣🤣🤣
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
May never get over this