[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
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A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Tammy is short for Tamuel
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.