Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
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What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Me: Don’t let her know you’re a satanist
Her: So what do you do for fun?
Me: ???????? ???
???? ???? ????????
If the Discovery Channel’s new show ‘Naked And Afraid’ isn’t about Mormon honeymoons, I’m not interested.
If you’re an astronaut and you don’t end every relationship by saying “look, I just need space” then you’re wasting everyone’s time.
army general: we were defeated
me: [confused, looking down] what…whats inside ur boots then
Me: ssshhh it’s still nighttime look the sun is still sleeping
5yo: the sun doesn’t sleep, mum, the earth rotates and the sun’s on the other side
5yo: you don’t know anything, do you
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo