@curlycomedy

[Job interview]

Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?

Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.

Executive: You’re hired.

Me: I’ll start in a week.

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@Tmoney68

Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”

@Bob_Janke

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

@SatansTongue

(First date)

Me: Don’t let her know you’re a satanist

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

If the Discovery Channel’s new show ‘Naked And Afraid’ isn’t about Mormon honeymoons, I’m not interested.

@KevinFarzad

If you’re an astronaut and you don’t end every relationship by saying “look, I just need space” then you’re wasting everyone’s time.

@leakypod

army general: we were defeated

me: [confused, looking down] what…whats inside ur boots then

@itsallbollocks

Me: ssshhh it’s still nighttime look the sun is still sleeping
5yo: the sun doesn’t sleep, mum, the earth rotates and the sun’s on the other side
Me:
5yo: you don’t know anything, do you

@DancesWithTamis

[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo