[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
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My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥