[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
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Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Mouse
Flowers bee like
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
😩😩😩
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine