@mjkspeaks

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

- @mjkspeaks

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@jonnysun

maybe the white peopel who are scared of immigrants are only scared b/c they kno what white peopel did when they first immigrated to america

@BoogTweets

[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months

@thatUPSdude

Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.

@imence2

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

@toriavaa

My friends make fun of me for having a messy car but yesterday mcdonalds didn’t give Maddie bbq sauce for her nuggets and guess what I had in my back seat??? bbq sauce so I don’t wanna hear it anymore

@brynnester

[First Date]
Her: *shyly* I like a man with a big dong
Me: *rings the largest of my musical bells* How was that?

@bingowings14

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

@AndyAsAdjective

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

@AnnietheNanny1

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.