[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
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Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.