(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
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*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
you gotta be faster
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
when mom throws a party…
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.