[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
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[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.