@Reverend_Scott

[job interview]

How would you improve our business?

“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”

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@SICKOFWOLVES

IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR

@just1fool

No thanks, animal crackers. You’re not fooling me. I eat real animals.

@OutOfLeftField_

Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.

@MichaelTrying

“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”

@anerdonfire2

The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly

@50ShadesGran

Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.

@adilansari

Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.

Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?