It concerns me as a parent that damn near every Disney movie shows kids if your parents die you’ll become royalty and have a great life.
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
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I asked my kids at dinner tonight, “What is something that makes you happy?”
10 : “Dopamine”
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.