He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
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*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Merry Christmas
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
mom gave me mine for free
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.