*job interview
HR: Can you name one of your strengths?
Me: Sure. I’ll call it Giselle.

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Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”


You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.


me: I think my hippo might be dying

vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse



“Oh no. We dripped cheese dip on the cat. I’ll get it”
*she grabs a shirt*
“Hey don’t use that!”
*hands her a chip*


I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.


At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.


[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice



HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.