@TheAlexNevil

*job interview
HR: Can you name one of your strengths?
Me: Sure. I’ll call it Giselle.

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@NrouteHQ

Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update

Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.

Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.

@tastefactory

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

@chrellsangel

DATE: It’s expensive here.

ME: That’s okay, I’m not paying.

@Gre_Gone

*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*

@KeetPotato

[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”

@dumbbeezie

Way down on the bottom of the twitter user licensing agreement in tiny font it says “Say goodbye to your family”

@LlamaInaTux

Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?

Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends

Lawyer: remember, you took an oath

Me: just one friend

Lawyer: an oath on the Bible

Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom

@geowizzacist

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

@MomOfTeen

Walking by the lingerie section

Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.

Me: Uh huh.