Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
HR: Can you name one of your strengths?
Me: Sure. I’ll call it Giselle.
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You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
“Oh no. We dripped cheese dip on the cat. I’ll get it”
*she grabs a shirt*
“Hey don’t use that!”
*hands her a chip*
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
God: They will have a powerful immune system
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine