[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
You Might Also Like
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.