[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
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I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
had to make it
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Acronyms got me like WTF?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.