Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
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Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Has science gone too far?
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.