Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
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Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.