HR: You put that you were the branch manager…
Me: *empties pocket of sticks* Next question…
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I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Interviewer: What would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: Definitely my insecurities. Very strong.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*