[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
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Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King