*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
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THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours