Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

No one :

Me when I swimming :

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991

My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.

“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”

*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*

Best Halloween yard decorations 😂

ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.

My whole life was a lie.

People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.

Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something

Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.

impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks

{during sex}

Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights

wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.

me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.

sister-in-law: hey guys.

me: [screams and passes out]

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.

Elephant: I can hear you, you know.

“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.

If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system

I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

[at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!

“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker