@fro_vo

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

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@UncleDuke1969

Yelp* now has jail reviews. (true)

Felon87: Try for Block C. Great ambient lighting, management is courteous & the risotto is ‘to die for’.

@EmissaryKerry

And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.

@ArfMeasures

DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are

ME: Ok

DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut

ME *lip starts trembling*

DENTIST: I see

@squirrel74wkgn

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

@Eightinchgoat

The word “methamphetamine” looks like it was written by somebody using it.

@meganamram

If you count a little kid on another kid’s shoulders under a trench coat as two people, then I have had TWO boyfriends

@EndhooS

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

@daemonic3

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page