Yelp* now has jail reviews. (true)
Felon87: Try for Block C. Great ambient lighting, management is courteous & the risotto is ‘to die for’.
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
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God, I love Scotland
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
The word “methamphetamine” looks like it was written by somebody using it.
If you count a little kid on another kid’s shoulders under a trench coat as two people, then I have had TWO boyfriends
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page