I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
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my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.