[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

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ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]


Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.


The second I sense someone about to ask for a bite of what I’m eating, I immediately shove the whole damn thing in my mouth & look baffled.


I carry extra deodorant in my purse in case I get sweaty or so I can casually rub it on strangers.


Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.


Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.


*receives text from wife

“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.