[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
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Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?