ME: Babe, it’s Christmas *gets on one knee*
ME: And I have just one question *gets in fetal position*
ME: Can we leave this family party. Your dad keeps wanting to arm wrestle me
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
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5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta
He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.