@Playing_Dad

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

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@Home_Halfway

ME: Babe, it’s Christmas *gets on one knee*

GIRLFRIEND: Omg

ME: And I have just one question *gets in fetal position*

GF: Uh

ME: Can we leave this family party. Your dad keeps wanting to arm wrestle me

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?

Me: I don’t know.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?

@Playing_Dad

I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

@DrakeGatsby

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

@AntozWolf

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

@Demented_Jokes

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

@ClarkSpringheel

*Sad trombone noise*

Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”

@CornOnTheGoblin

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

@MelvinofYork

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

@DevilryFun

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.