ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
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Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
When your pharmacist actually wants you to die.
The second I sense someone about to ask for a bite of what I’m eating, I immediately shove the whole damn thing in my mouth & look baffled.
I carry extra deodorant in my purse in case I get sweaty or so I can casually rub it on strangers.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I used to work in mysterious ways. Now I just don’t work.
*receives text from wife
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean