@Playing_Dad

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

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@chuuew

[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]

@SteveDutzy

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

@VodkaDietSoda

The second I sense someone about to ask for a bite of what I’m eating, I immediately shove the whole damn thing in my mouth & look baffled.

@bngzyface

I carry extra deodorant in my purse in case I get sweaty or so I can casually rub it on strangers.

@lecalabara

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

@doublewenis

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

@Willie1derful

*receives text from wife

“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.