@drinksmcgee

[job interview]

Interviewer: Have you ever laid brick before?
Me, a liar: Absolutely.

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@shujaxhaider

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

@mllebeckyrose

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

@TheAlexNevil

*at Pearly Gates

Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark

St. Peter: Mittens, I said no

@KyleSmells

mother: i hope i pass the bar exam

[later]

mother-in-law: i passed!

@waydybee

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

@lincnotfound

[first date]

waiter: and for you madam

her: I’ll have the tenderloin, rare

waiter: excellent choice, and for you sir

me [trying to impress]: I’ll have the chicken, alive

@dshack8

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

@Grommit56

You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.

Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.

@dogboner

in the rental car today and my son said it was like we were in a “rocket ship” how many rocket ships have you been in. That’s what I thought