I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
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I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
mother: i hope i pass the bar exam
mother-in-law: i passed!
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
waiter: and for you madam
her: I’ll have the tenderloin, rare
waiter: excellent choice, and for you sir
me [trying to impress]: I’ll have the chicken, alive
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
in the rental car today and my son said it was like we were in a “rocket ship” how many rocket ships have you been in. That’s what I thought