[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
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If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
I’m putting together a team
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I know this now 😂
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.