Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
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*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
It’s called mankind because womanmean just sounded too obvious.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!