[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
You Might Also Like
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Don’t make me out nice you.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
New Tinder profile.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
My daily affirmation
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’