(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
You Might Also Like
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling