@surrealvehicle

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

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@mstern68

Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale

Wife: it’s adorable

Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS

@michael_raphone

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

@captainkalvis

[my dog runs up to me, bone in his mouth]
you better stop bringing these back, we’ve got like 200 more to dispose of

@D_empiricist

If you don’t want your bananas to spoil, just hang them like this. makes them think they’re still on the tree

@thatUPSdude

I’m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.

@suedechukka

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

@NerishaLakha

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

@Turbo_Jimmy

Her: that’s disgusting

Me: sorry, I like to poo with the door open sometimes

Her: you shouldn’t be pooping in the car at all

@notviking

date: i’m looking for a guy who doesn’t just want me for my body

me: [trying to impress her] well i think your body sucks