A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
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it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists