[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
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Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
We decided to have money instead of children.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise