My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
interviewer: you’re late
me: oh for me? thanks [grabs his coffee and takes sip] but it’s pronounced “latte”
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Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Scientist 1: We’re not going to be using mice in experiments anymore. You can just hand those over.
Scientist 2: Um, you look suspiciously like 3 cats in a lab coat.
Scientist 1 glares at Scientist 2, swats pen off counter and runs sideways out of room.
*nudges wife* No way the old guy blew up all those balloons in Up in 1 night. Honey, you awake? I mean he’s like a million years old.
I hate my job, but it pays for my alcohol, and I need the alcohol, because I hate my job.
I just found the Covid-19 Yelp page and left such a scathing review that it may kill the virus.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.