It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
You Might Also Like
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste