<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
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Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
#ProTip
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.