[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
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Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Current mood: Potato
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
My dryer is celebrating lint.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
forgive me baja for i have blast
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Bread puns are on the rise!
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*