[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
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“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels