[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
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And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.