My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
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*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now