People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
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I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours