[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
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Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.