[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
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Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Phones down.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
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My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
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I’m really shy in RL.
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My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
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just gave my 5yo power of attorney
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Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.