[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

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If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.


Pro Tip: Don’t EVER tell a 10yr old boy that you don’t “get” X-Men.

Because. They. Will. Explain. It.


{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.


Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m


Make a friend today. Give a complete stranger a big, long hug. If they happen to get mad, tell the police a guy on twitter said you could.


Meant to tell my daughter “Good night, I love you,” but it came out as “Thank god you go back to school on Tuesday because this is bullshit”


“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
*throws football at my head*