@dafloydsta

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

You Might Also Like

@TheWeirdWorld

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

@callie_cakes

Pro Tip: Don’t EVER tell a 10yr old boy that you don’t “get” X-Men.

Because. They. Will. Explain. It.

@AndrewNadeau0

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

@JeffisTallguy

Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m

@TheTalkingPipe

Make a friend today. Give a complete stranger a big, long hug. If they happen to get mad, tell the police a guy on twitter said you could.

@nayele18

Meant to tell my daughter “Good night, I love you,” but it came out as “Thank god you go back to school on Tuesday because this is bullshit”

@camelSWAG69

“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*