[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod

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I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.


My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.


*avoids eye contact until 10 ft from friend

*keeps avoiding eye contact

*walks by friend

*hears friend calling name

*breaks into a run


You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.


Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.


if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it


microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both