@Dank_Pal

[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod

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@3sunzzz

I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.

@crystaltitties

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

@theshantilly

*avoids eye contact until 10 ft from friend

*keeps avoiding eye contact

*walks by friend

*hears friend calling name

*breaks into a run

@BastardProphet

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

@AudreyPorne

Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.

@fro_vo

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

@mister_blank

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both