@Dank_Pal

[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod

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@TheMichaelRock

Batman would probably be a better crime-fighter if he wasn’t making movies all the time.

@ComedicBust

Our eyes met. Our hearts touched. He was the one. We fell in love. He used a flash mob to propose. I’m single now.

@PanicRestroom

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

@BradBroaddus

My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.

@FrogAvalanche

Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-

@AimeeHelene1

I feel like I might kill someone today, and I’m starving. So clearly the best solution is to just eat someone.

@samalmightysam

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

@ambamthankyamam

Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.

@therealeatwood

DATE: I chose this restaurant for the ambience.

ME: Ah, very good. [to waiter] A bottle of your finest Ambiens, please.

@HMittelmark

Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.