[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
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I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
a badder mouse
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
They’re on their honeymoon
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.