@SamGrittner

*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”

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@NikiWithIssues

If Snow White can trick 7 men into supporting her, then I’m sure I can find at least one sucker to do that for me.

@nayele18maybe

If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.

@RdrJay47

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

@KentWGraham

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

@JJSummertime

“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”

My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.

@orange_rhymer

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

@MamaFizzles

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

@alfageeek

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)