If Snow White can trick 7 men into supporting her, then I’m sure I can find at least one sucker to do that for me.
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
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If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…