*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
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Natural selection at its finest
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*