@mattZillaaaa

[job interview]

“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”

Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?

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@NickStopTalking

Just experienced LA to its fullest.

A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”

@noogscorner

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.

@junejuly12

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.

@LosLos__

Me: I love you, too…umm…

[Wife says her name]

Me: See? After all these years we’re still finishing each other’s sentences.

@TheGladStork

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage

@WinningByARose

Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this

Her: all the food?

Me: no this penguin

@Reverend_Scott

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

@3sunzzz

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.