[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
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“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass