[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else

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ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits


When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”


Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.


So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?


Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.


[first day as a detective]

ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!

OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there


Hello, I’m a bird, I survived since dinosaurs roamed the earth but windows are too much for me to figure out.


EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*


Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.


*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”