@mattZillaaaa

[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else

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@desusnice

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

@Mom_Overboard

When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”

@Reverend_Scott

Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.

@jctwritesstuff

So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?

@NightValeRadio

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

@TheHyyyype

[first day as a detective]

ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!

OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there

@thenatewolf

Hello, I’m a bird, I survived since dinosaurs roamed the earth but windows are too much for me to figure out.

@ianpauldukes

EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*

@momTruthBomb

Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.

@AndyAsAdjective

*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”