[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
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The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan