@desusnice ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
@mattZillaaaa [job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
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@desusnice 
@Mom_Overboard When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
@Reverend_Scott Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
@jctwritesstuff So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
@NightValeRadio Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
@TheHyyyype [first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
@thenatewolf Hello, I’m a bird, I survived since dinosaurs roamed the earth but windows are too much for me to figure out.
@ianpauldukes EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
@momTruthBomb Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
@AndyAsAdjective *gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”