[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
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Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
they really do be looking like this
thanks auntie mary
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.