If you lost your needle in a haystack then I don’t think you were responsible enough to have had a needle in the first place. Needle loser.
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
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How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
I bet we’d have to say ‘The steaks are pretty high’ if a herd of cows ever got into a field of marijuana.
It’s ok spider, everyone screams when I surprise them in the shower too
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
My job blocked the Favstar website and I’m not sure if I should quit or take hostages.
Haha! Jk. I’m totally taking hostages.