@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Tell me a strength.”

I’m a decision maker.

“Excellent. How about a weakness?”

I’m a bad decision maker.

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@claire_mudie

If you lost your needle in a haystack then I don’t think you were responsible enough to have had a needle in the first place. Needle loser.

@EmergencyQB

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

@EndhooS

[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ

@CulturedRuffian

I bet we’d have to say ‘The steaks are pretty high’ if a herd of cows ever got into a field of marijuana.

@lyric_intent

It’s ok spider, everyone screams when I surprise them in the shower too

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22.

Wife: How many with witnesses?

Me: Almost 1.

@AlmightyBored

I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.

@shkeeber

My job blocked the Favstar website and I’m not sure if I should quit or take hostages.

Haha! Jk. I’m totally taking hostages.