Arthur Miller underratedly sucked at naming characters. “Biff”?? “Happy”?? Dude, take five more minutes.
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
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Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Who called it a birth certificate instead of a born identity?
Someone angrily told me “You’re so sarcastic!” That would be like me angrily telling a woman “You’re so beautiful!”
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.