[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
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Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”