[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
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Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.