[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
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ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you