@arrroberts
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
@dafloydsta
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
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@arrroberts
@blade_funner
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
@KeetPotato
cop: [bangs on door] “open up, its the police”
me: [flushing snickers multi-packs i sell individually down toilet] “two seconds”
@capnwatsisname
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
@UpDocInc
I have twin brothers named Juan and Amal. I only carry a picture of one of them because if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.
@abbycohenwl
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
@ItsAndyRyan
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
@FrazzleMyGimp
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
@KylePlantEmoji
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
@Hobo_Splendido
Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care