@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

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@blade_funner

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

@KeetPotato

cop: [bangs on door] “open up, its the police”
me: [flushing snickers multi-packs i sell individually down toilet] “two seconds”

@capnwatsisname

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

@UpDocInc

I have twin brothers named Juan and Amal. I only carry a picture of one of them because if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.

@abbycohenwl

Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind

Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class

@ItsAndyRyan

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

@FrazzleMyGimp

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

@Hobo_Splendido

Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care