@Reverend_Scott

[job interview]

That’s all. Have any questions for us?

“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”

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@ComedicBust

Sometimes I’ll casually say “what else do you want?” on the phone, so the pizza guy thinks I’m ordering for more than just me.

@osigat

When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.

@dundlewood

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

@QTPiK8

Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.

@TheBeerGuy73

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

@KenJennings

LIFE HACK tell the hotel you forgot your toothbrush. They don’t even check, they just give you a brand new one!!! It’s so sweet

@novicefather

[1st ppl to go camping]
wife: what do u wanna do this week?
hubs: luxury cruise?
w: no
h: nice hotel?
w: no
h: pretend to be homeless
w: YES