(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
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(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
And they lived apathetically ever after.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.