[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”

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Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.


How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO


You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.


“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.


Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.


“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.

“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”

“Really “?



Shout out to whoever invented Braille! Maybe nobody remembers your name but you came up with a pretty dope way for blind people to read


I miss the old days.
When a duck face meant that you had a stroke.


Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.