[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”

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Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*


[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6


ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho


From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.


My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.


Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.


My grandparents keep asking me if I want anything from Five Guys, and it is so hard to keep a straight face and answer this