[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
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How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
as is their right
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.