@Tommytoughstuff

[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”

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@pixelatedboat

Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*

@OneTrickTofani

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

@caithuls

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho

@AimeeHelene1

From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.

@Home_Halfway

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

@AllanForsyth

Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.

@WinniePEG7

My grandparents keep asking me if I want anything from Five Guys, and it is so hard to keep a straight face and answer this