@Tommytoughstuff

[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”

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@baronvonbike

Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.

@AnOrangeSNES

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

@upsidedowntrash

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

@QwertyJones3

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

@Eden_Eats

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

@farouq_yahaya

“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.

“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”

“Really “?

“No”

@KenJennings

Shout out to whoever invented Braille! Maybe nobody remembers your name but you came up with a pretty dope way for blind people to read

@cynicuhl

I miss the old days.
When a duck face meant that you had a stroke.

@TrainedHedonist

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.