[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
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Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.